The sorrow and the anger became too much and he fractured.
He looked like himself this time… He wasn’t a ghoul or a white-faced monster… But he was too shattered, too affrighted to think rationally. I was able to soothe him. He listened to me. We surrounded—embraced him, and he let his arm drop. He didn’t let go of his blade, but he let his arm down…
“I don’t want to exist anymore,” he said. He was crying. “I’m done. I’m done being myself. I’m done with this chapter of my life. I want to be my old self again. I want to be the Ansel you knew…”
My poor Ansel is suffering so much. We are trying to say goodbye to this, and to live again. Live…
I tell Ansel, we’re alive, and
living together. Today we went to the gym, and at the end, we
walked around on the turf outside, went to the beach… with our eyes closed, walking on the sand together, and he was laughing—for the first time in a long time… running into the water, and he splashed me, and we swam. His kiss was salty with seawater. We lied down on the warm sand. I saw his face in shadow as he bent over me and kissed me. I can still feel his arms… It has been so long… Tomorrow… We’ll go to the beach again, with Nova, and… Yes, Nova is back… Bedivere isn’t the same as before. Ansel is grieving that, over their lost time together.
I cannot remember when it was—before, or after the beach? but, he visited Ansel. Closed the curtains. In a darkened room, they drank together. Ansel… gave Bedi a tea that Bedi had never had, but liked very much. As if he knew all along that was his favourite…
The two have both lost time. Yet, they still love each other very much.