The light is low

2019.12.19, by Giovanni
Filed under Journal, Personal

I’ve realised something about myself. Now that I’ve helped C. find a new reason to live, a new way of living. With K. To teach that girl the good she knows, to bake cookies with her, to love and encourage her.

I have zero interest in her.

It was after a lengthy conversation between me and K. The usual romantic exchange. The usual passionate, earnest feelings, devotions, dreams, promises. I even… It turned flowery at times. I was thinking of winter. Of Boris Pilniak’s prose. I wanted to show her everything. To experience everything with her and just be with her.

We had all accepted the fact this love was genuine. This need to be devoted to someone. …I need to love someone. Everyone forgave me for that.

But now that K.’s occupied by C., now that I don’t command a predominant love in her life. I’ve lost all interest in her, again. When K. is singularly devoted to me, everything feels proper, natural, as if there couldn’t be any other fact of existence.

Because I have so much love to give, and nowhere for it to go… A family. I needed a whole family to love. …So any romantic interest must, for me, provide an equivalent amount of love—as much, as near as possible to a fully developed family. That’s why I fell so hard for her. I was all that she had and she gave everything to me. She satisfied a need.

As long as I don’t have a family, I’m going to lose myself to anyone who promises to fill that void. I… I’ve been using K. as a substitute.

This isn’t healthy for me, or for the other person involved. The best is to cultivate balanced relationships with everyone I have… In the absence of a proper community… instead of pinning everything on one person. Just one person can’t possibly provide all the love, attention, and connection I need. I have to distance myself from her.    Significantly so…

I feel like a pathetic man.

Everyone tells me it’s OK. If    I’m happy, if I’m functional, if I’m well-rounded and loved—yes, loved, even if it’s—only a wish or a delusion—but the feelings are real. The memories are real. The laughter, the healing, and all the time we spent together. Maybe it’s all just a wish, but… I can’t live without love. I’ll go crazy.