It’s been so long since I’ve just sat outside, and… enjoyed the rain. I realised that as I stood marvelling at shining strands of water falling from the tree branches. Away from all of this… I remembered my childhood… No one bothered me in the rain. I was able to enjoy everything, appreciate, smell, feel, see… No one appreciates these things. I hate them all for being so blind.
Just the other day… Give me a moment, I will quote Giovanni.
“The little bird in the black tailcoat from last week is playing by the pool again. Hopping into the water, seeing how close he can skim the water’s surface… He cocks his head about and looks around like a child. So cute. I think he wants to swim, but he doesn’t know how to go about it. I would love to be friends with that bird.”
As of late, I’ve been recording videos of the outside world. At work, when it is quiet. Of the light on breaking water and the moon behind the boughs.
Sometimes Ansel gets so lonely. Yesterday as we held one another he reminded me of cold starlight. It felt like there was snow around us. “Why can’t I be real?” he asked. The same old fears from before. When S. and I were together he couldn’t stand it. “Why is she real and I’m not, when I’m so much better than her?”
“You’re real,” I told him last night. “You are. You make me very happy…”
I remember one particularly bad night last year. The PTSD had gotten me so riled up. He put on “Feels Right” by Lotus Juice and invited me to dance with him… He spun round, and even started dancing goofily—awkwardly, sillily—it was so strange! because he’s also so serious, exacting, and aggressive in his motions. He even burst out laughing at how clumsy he was… I had never seen him so youthful. I loved him at that point. I loved him before, but at that moment I knew that I loved him like I had no one else. He was a part of my life and I loved him. There were other moments like that too, when I felt that way. But that boyish dancing that night always gets me…