2020.01.09, by Anatolij
Filed under Journal, Personal, PTSD, Relations

The CPTSD has been very… demanding lately. Not just C., but the experiences in █████, the brain injury, disappointments in not being able to realise our █████ aspirations, self-loathing. All of it came to a head the other day. You could say it was the rage of the betrayed, both living and dead…

When we came back (ah, Leotrim is hugging me…), Leotrim said something to me.

“All those things you said. ‘Words are just words, if you can’t realise them, then you might as well shut up!’ That was you, wasn’t it. You’ve applied that to yourself… and everyone around you.”

…It’s true. I’ve hated myself a long time. Because I have a duty, and can’t bring myself to carry it out. I have no passion or feeling for writing, and studying… I read all of 1905 and took extensive notes, and now?

Nova… also said something. He admired me for my work. He was the one who encouraged me to reenter █████. He admired my principles, my humanity, my drive… Whilst I was gone he spoke to C. at great length on my accomplishments… He said, “█████ let you down. But you’ve hated yourself more than you’ve ever resented them, ever since. I wish… they had listened to you. …They hurt themselves more than you ever hurt them, and you never did them wrong. They dealt a blow to humanity by damaging you so. It was their fault. Not yours. Do you understand?

“They failed their own cause. By crippling you.”

I spoke with Radi for the first time in a long time today. We talked about… the past, of course, and the future. Again, Leotrim encouraged me. He told me not to doubt the strength of my companions. And the state of their preparedness is not my responsibility—not my fault. “Each and everyone has to do their own part. No one is useless. You want to do everything. But that is impossible. Not even the strongest man…” He touched one of his scars… “can do everything by himself.”

Radi told me that it was all right to exist as something different. He said, “No matter what you do or what you become, you will always be what you are to me.”

“And that is…?” I asked.