Meltdown… PTSD

2020.04.12, by Bedivere and Blast Ant

[Bedi] She melted down yesterday. PTSD, and the stress of time that’s been drained away. Broke down as soon as she got home. Wasn’t pretty. […] Anyway, she’s calmed down, somewhat. But before going to work today, after waking up, she nearly went for the knife to stab herself in the liver.

It’s causing neuralgia: “In the folds of my brain…” I prefer this over the facial nerve pain.

I’m pretty tired.

Eye coordination seems to be decreasing somehow… Under stress, when she writes and goes to a new line. Her eyes go all the way up in their orbit, and of course, she completely loses her place. That started happening only very recently, and most commonly under heavy stress. I can’t say whether it’s happened during times of ease because we really haven’t… been relaxed in a long, long time. We’re realizing a lot of things take concerted effort, use up energy she doesn’t have. She has to put in a lot of effort to do things she once took for granted, like keeping her eyes steady on a line of text.

Is it the injury? Permanent, long-term effects? Or is it stress—but autistic meltdowns can cause permanent neurological dysfunction, too.

Ant’s writing is scraggly, large, and wide here. It looks nothing like the small, delicate, precise cursive she normally writes.

[Blast Ant] I’m sad about everything. I wish life would end for me. It already has. My hand has got so stiff and heavy all of a sudden. And I am thinking slowly. I can’t…