The Living You

2020.10.14, by Anatolij

Locked within those youthful eyes is the promise of a new life. A glimmering fire, died—I touch your face and I wonder if there’s anything in this world I can give you you to make up for it, to replace a life. You can’t even see grief. For you, time has stopped, always stopped, forever—nothing has really ended, nothing really begins. But behind is where I leave you whenever I go; you, forever unageing, stare at me with wide youthful eyes, as I go further and further away from this life, this life we promised to build together…

Please, tell me.

Why am I alive?

You little ghost of mine with long wolf’s hair. I have to keep living, for my father… Why didn’t you? Why aren’t you living? Every day gets a little harder… and no one I know… will ever make me as happy as you do, as you did, as you continue to do. I can’t stand to see you cry. Stop trying to give me life… in a world where I have to let you go, you keep reaching out to me, with grasping hands, long fingers, warm palms and knuckles that caress my face. You continue to dream as if nothing ever happened. Fate isn’t real. Not to you.

Tomorrow I’ll pretend nothing happened, again. I’ll wake up with you because me, or inside me, as the case may be—you always hated that—but it’s your fault for making such a joke possible.

I’m sorry I missed our anniversary. I got so caught up… in this wretched world. I hate it, you know? No one helps me, I must help myself, all alone, and you… I have to make do without you, darling, but I really can’t. The truth is, I really can’t.

You made me so happy and no one else in this world does. We fought so much and those were the best fights of my life. They always will be.